When Relatives Inflict Deep Wounds: Should We Endure Harm or Sever Ties?

By: Dr. Shams Ragheb Othman

Have you ever felt the sting of injustice? What if that sting came from your closest relatives? This is the core question explored in this compelling article, drawing its answers from the treasures of Islamic Sharia, specifically from a magnificent prophetic hadith that illuminates the paths of patience and kindness, even towards those who wrong us.

Patience in the face of harm from relatives and treating them with kindness is a noble art that elevates its practitioner to high ranks in this life and the hereafter. Always remember that Allah is your "supporter" as long as you uphold this noble character. Are you ready to be the "connector" who maintains ties with their kin, even if they cut you off?

 When Kindness Becomes "Hot Ashes"

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with hi narrates the story of a man who came to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) complaining about the bitterness of harm from his relatives: "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives whom I connect with, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they mistreat me; I am forbearing with them, but they act ignorantly towards me."

Imagine this situation! Someone who does good is met with coldness; he shows kindness but receives ill-treatment; he is patient but is met with ignorance. It's a pain many have experienced, especially when the wound comes from "next of kin," for they are closest to the heart, and from them, we expect support, not betrayal.

However, the prophetic response came to dispel confusion and illuminate the path:"If you are as you say, then it is as if you are feeding them hot ashes, and you will continue to have a supporter from Allah against them as long as you remain upon that."

Have you ever imagined that your kindness to those who harm you could be "hot ashes" that burn away their sins? "Al-Mall" (hot ashes) refers to hot ashes in which food is buried to cook. This eloquent simile illustrates that your kindness and patience towards them, despite their ill-treatment, is not a weakness on your part. Rather, it is a sin that befalls them, while you will continue to have Allah as your *"Dhaheer" (meaning helper  supporter).

 Enduring Lessons from the Prophetic Stance

This prophetic hadith is not just a story; it's a source of wisdom and valuable lessons:

The Status of Maintaining Kinship TiesThe hadith emphasizes the immense status of maintaining kinship ties in Islam. It's not merely a social custom; it's a branch of faith. The Holy Quran strongly warns against severing kinship ties, portraying it as a reason for Allah's curse and blindness.

Forgiveness Met with Great Reward:* Continuing to maintain ties with relatives, even those who harm you, is not easy, but it melts the iceberg and brings abundant rewards, fragrant praise from people, and above all, the pleasure of the Creator.

The True Connector is Not the One Who Reciprocates:*The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us not to expect reciprocity for our kindness. The true connector is not merely the one who maintains ties with those who maintain ties with him, but rather **"the one who, when his kinship ties are cut off, he connects them."* This is the high moral ground and kindness that Islam guides us to.

Patience Extends Life and Blesses Sustenance:* The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) linked maintaining kinship ties to blessed longevity and abundant sustenance, saying: "Whoever wishes that his provision be expanded and his lifespan be extended, let him maintain his kinship ties."

 When is it Permissible to Temporarily Sever Ties? (Important Note)

Despite all the above, Islamic Sharia is characterized by realism and justice. There are exceptional cases where it is permissible to **temporarily** sever ties, but only after exhausting all means of advice, guidance, and warning:

1. When the Person is in Open Disobedience:* If your relative commits major sins or disregards religious obligations (like openly breaking fast in Ramadan, discussing forbidden matters), it may be permissible to temporarily sever ties with them to uphold religious principles and avoid evil, hoping for their rectification.

2. *When There is Actual Harm* If there is real harm inflicted upon you by them (such as witchcraft, theft of money, spending on forbidden things), severing ties may be a necessary measure to prevent the spread of corruption and protect yourself.

3. **When There is Discrimination or Mockery of Religion:** If a relative mocks women's hijab, refuses to allow people to practice their religion, or scoffs at going to the mosque, it is permissible to cut ties with them until they rectify themselves.

4. **When There is Inappropriate Behavior and Major Sins:** If they treat you inappropriately, hit others, assault them, steal, drink alcohol, or commit adultery, you may temporarily sever ties with them.

**Important Note:** In all these cases, you must first **advise and guide** them in the best manner, and the severing of ties must be **temporary**, not permanent. For the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "No severer of kinship ties will enter Paradise."